PROFESSOR BRIAN COX ADMITS PRIMFEED TERMS OF SERVICE ARE BEYOND CURRENT UNDERSTANDING OF PHYSICS
PROFESSOR Brian Cox has admitted defeat after spending six hours attempting to understand Primfeed’s Terms of Service.
The physicist, who has successfully explained black holes, quantum mechanics and the origins of the universe to people eating their tea, said Primfeed’s moderation rules represented “a level of complexity for which modern science is simply not prepared”.
Cox was called in after Second Life residents attempted to understand how extremely explicit imagery can potentially remain on the platform when placed within the appropriate content category, while comparatively innocuous satire can disappear from public view.
“I initially assumed I was looking at a fairly straightforward content moderation policy,” said Cox. “Then I started reading it and now I’m questioning whether time actually exists.”
THE STANDARD MODEL
Cox began by drawing Primfeed’s content classifications on a large blackboard at the University of Manchester.
After several hours, the board contained 47 equations, three diagrams of black holes and the phrase BUT WHAT DOES THIS BIT MEAN? underlined four times.
“The difficulty is that each individual rule appears perfectly comprehensible,” he explained.
“It’s only when you attempt to observe two of them simultaneously that reality begins to break down.”
Researchers have provisionally named this phenomenon Primfeed Uncertainty.
Under the theory, content can apparently exist in several states at once: acceptable, unacceptable, publicly visible, restricted and “we’ll decide”.
Only when a moderator observes the post does its final state become known.
“This is remarkably similar to Schrödinger’s cat,” Cox explained.
“Except the cat is naked, wearing a collar and has correctly selected Adult.”
EVENT HORIZON
The breakthrough came when researchers examined Primfeed’s category system.
Explicit material can be separated into classifications allowing users to decide whether they wish to encounter it.
Cox described this as “a perfectly rational solution”.
He then attempted to determine why the same principle becomes considerably harder to apply to satire.
“That’s where the mathematics collapses,” he said.
“If User A does not wish to see Content B, and Content B can simply be placed somewhere User A does not have to look at it, we have a functioning system.
“But apparently if Content B contains jokes, we have to introduce another 16 variables.”
Cox stared silently at the equation for several minutes before rubbing it out.
“Fuck knows.”
LARGE HADRON COLLIDER
Scientists at CERN have now offered to fire two copies of the Primfeed Terms of Service at each other at close to the speed of light.
Researchers hope the collision will briefly reveal the elementary particle responsible for deciding what the rules actually mean.
It has provisionally been named the Hypocriton.
The particle is believed to possess the unusual property of changing its interpretation depending upon which post is currently being moderated.
Finding it would represent one of the greatest discoveries in modern physics.
Unfortunately, the experiment has already been removed from the public gallery.
No reason was given.